Cobra Commander And The Great Ball
by Red Witch
Summary: The Cobras crash a high society masquerade ball. These people have no class.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has run off to a party somewhere. Just more fun and madness from my tiny mind! Nothing sane here folks! **

**Cobra Commander And The Great Ball**

"See I **told **you this would be easy," Cobra Commander snorted to his companions. They were standing near a punch bowl in a huge ball room. Cobra Commander, Destro, The Baroness, Mindbender and the Crimson Twins were there. They were also standing beside a huge long table filled with food and appetizers.

"I must admit Commander your plan is working," The Baroness said. She was dressed in a leather Cat Woman costume complete with goggles and whip.

"Of course it's working! This is a costume ball in the home of one of the richest old bats in Miami!" Cobra Commander asked. "I told you it would be better for us if we sailed to the East Coast!"

"Considering we ticked off almost everyone on the **West Coast** it seemed a reasonable assumption," Destro said dryly. He was wearing his usual uniform but had a red cape draped over his shoulder.

"It's been a long time since I've been to a fancy ball," Mindbender looked around. He was wearing his usual outfit only he had an eyeball painted on his forehead, in the style of a popular TV villain called Dr. Triclopso. Ironically except for the eyeball Dr. Triclopso's outfit by an extraordinary coincidence looked exactly like Mindbender's.

"We agree," Xamot remarked. He and his brother were wearing Mario and Luigi costumes. Xamot was dressed as Luigi.

"Although why couldn't we wear our usual uniforms like the rest of **you?"** Tomax asked. He was dressed as Mario, mustache hat and all.

"Because I'm going as myself and it would look to suspicious of too many Cobras showed up!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Besides you two had the only outfits that couldn't be construed as something else. Mindbender is Dr. Triclopso and I've seen three or four of them already…"

"I'm still the best looking one. None of them have the same body as I do," Mindbender sniffed. "They're all either too fat or too skinny…"

"Destro just needed a cape and he can pass as the Man in the Iron Mask," Cobra Commander went on. "The Baroness wears leather all the time anyway and she just had that whip lying around."

"Been out of use since you broke up with your last boyfriend," Xamot smirked.

"Shut up Mario," The Baroness glared at him.

"I'm Luigi!" Xamot hissed. "Seriously? We're dressed as two completely _different _characters in two completely _different _colored outfits and you **still **can't tell us apart?"

"Please! The only difference between Mario and Luigi is that one is more successful than the other," The Baroness rolled her eyes.

"Not necessarily," Mindbender said. "Luigi has quite a few games out of his own coming out and many people like him better than Mario."

"There is no way Luigi is better than Mario," Tomax glared at him.

"Before we get into this argument **again,**" Destro broke up the conversation. "I think we should go over the plan once more."

"You think?" Cobra Commander sighed.

"Couldn't hurt," Destro sighed.

"Okay as you all know we are at the home of the wealthy Mrs. Ida Vanderstoop," Cobra Commander said. "Big society woman. Very rich. Home practically on the water so it was easy to hide the ship and walk here. All the movers and shakers are here for some kind of fundraising costume gala tonight. We snuck in the back, grabbed a few accessories and costumes and now we blend in with the guests. Case the joint and look for valuables and or other wealthy and powerful people. Compare notes. Hide in the bathrooms until most everyone else leaves. Use the knock out gas Mindbender supplied us to put the servants to sleep and steal everything that isn't nailed down. Got it?"

"Why are we really **doing** this?" Destro asked.

"Eh, I was getting bored of staying on the ship and needed a night out," Cobra Commander admitted. "But as I said we can case the place and rob it. Even if we only get the silverware it's better than nothing."

"And the food isn't bad either," Mindbender remarked as he ate some canapés.

"Remind me to take some home in a doggy bag for later," Cobra Commander remarked. "All right. You know your roles. Go mingle."

"Okay," Mindbender moved closer to Cobra Commander. "So what's new with you?"

"Mingle with **other people!"** Cobra Commander hissed.

"Oh right," Mindbender moved away.

"Oh God I knew it was a mistake to bring him along," Destro moaned.

"That's a given," Cobra Commander said. "Still as long as we got off that stupid ship for even one night it's a victory."

"For once I agree with your sentiments Commander," Destro grumbled. "That was the worst sea trip since the maiden voyage of the Titanic."

"Oh don't be so dramatic," The Baroness told him. "It's not like we were on a Carnival Cruise ship you know?"

"That's true," Destro shrugged.

The Baroness and the Twins went off. But not before the Baroness made a wink at Destro. Cobra Commander saw this. "So are you two back together again or what?"

"Not exactly," Destro said.

"So it's one of those 'Or What' situations," Cobra Commander groaned. "What are you two doing now? Or should I ask **who **are you doing?"

"Depends on who we can find tonight," Destro admitted as he scanned the room.

"So you're not getting back with the Baroness?"

"I didn't say that either," Destro told him.

"What exactly are you two maniacs doing? I ask because I know this situation is going to blow up sooner or later and I'd like to be prepared with the appropriate medical supplies," Cobra Commander folded his arms.

"The Baroness and I are planning on finding prospective targets to seduce and pump for information," Destro explained.

"As well as other bodily fluids," Cobra Commander remarked.

"Later the Baroness and I will…compare notes," Destro went on. Cobra Commander gave him a look. "What? Being with other people adds spice to our relationship."

"Let me see if I get this straight," Cobra Commander gave Destro a look. "You and the Baroness are looking to score with strangers so you can later cheat on them with each other?"

"It sounds rather crass when you put it like that," Destro shrugged.

"No, it sounds **insane** when I put it like that," Cobra Commander said. "Because it **is!** Now Destro I am not exactly prude by any sense of the imagination but come on! I think I liked it better when you were just cheating on each other."

"Calm down, our minds are on the mission," Destro took out a smart phone. "I've already hacked into the security system of the house and have a schematic layout of the building. Plus this phone is set up with an informational gathering database that can photo ID everyone at his party. All we need to do is mingle and pick out our prospective targets."

"Destro normally I'd make a rebuke and tell you to stay on target but considering this plan maybe you two screwing around might actually help," Cobra Commander sighed.

"You really didn't have a plan coming here did you?" Destro asked.

"Like I said I just wanted to get out of the ship," Cobra Commander sighed. "If we get dinner and steal something I'll call it a win. No go mingle or whatever it is your hormones tell you to do."

Cobra Commander walked away. He gravitated to a group of people having a discussion. "I tell you it's good that the economy is picking up," A man dressed as a king spoke up.

"It's a relief," A thin man dressed as a pirate agreed.

"Here, here…" A fat man dressed as Henry The 8th agreed.

"I was starting to get worried," A man dressed as a doctor in hospital scrubs agreed. "I only made a few million on my stocks last year. God knows where I would be without insider trading!"

"Well now that the economy is getting better maybe we can all relax?" The King suggested.

"Relax? Are you people kidding me? If the economy is picking up I haven't seen it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Every time I turn around some store is closing! Hell I'm amazed JC Penny and Kmart lasted this long! Because you know those two are going next!"

"Calm down old boy," Henry The 8th waved. "Didn't you see the latest figures? Hiring went up last quarter!"

"Of course hiring went up last quarter! It was **December!"** Cobra Commander shouted. "Biggest freaking holiday season of the year? That doesn't ring a bell? Everybody hires a ton of people by then. Until December 26 when they all get laid off and nobody hires until **next year!" **

"There's always a few that get called back," The Pirate waved.

"Compared to the millions that **don't **get called back, yeah that's a big help!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And let's not forget all the people that had to buy crap for all the other people on their list. Second January comes around shopping goes way down because nobody has any cash!"

"You're such a pessimist. Why just the other day we heard the housing market is going up again," The Doctor waved.

"Hello? Have you forgotten that half the Eastern Seaboard got completely trashed by Hurricane Sandy?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Of course it's going up! People need to buy new houses because their old ones are in the ocean!"

"Let me guess, you're one of those naysayers who makes a living selling doom and gloom to the public," The Doctor waved.

"Yeah. Meaning I'm one of the people who lives in the **real world** where money doesn't fall from trees!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm telling you there's a whole lot of people out there angry as hell just waiting for someone to lead them!"

Cobra Commander stopped for a moment. "Not a bad idea actually…Should have thought of that before!"

"We've heard this for years. Everything will be fine. I've invested my company's money in a new stock portfolio that can't miss!" Henry the 8th waved.

"As long as you don't put some of that money in companies like Lacy's or any other department store," The Doctor said. "I tell you I hope that minimum wage law doesn't pass!"

"Yes! Can you imagine the damage on companies if they just give employees an extra dollar in their wages! Shocking!" The Pirate shook his head.

"And people think I'm out of touch with reality," Cobra Commander grumbled.

"What was that sir?" The Pirate asked.

"Don't get me wrong. I'm all for slave labor as much as possible," Cobra Commander told him. "Unfortunately since so many people have a hang up of that being illegal, the workers are going to want money. So they can buy stuff? Do you understand where I am going with this?"

"Not really," Henry the 8th blinked.

"It's simple. The economy is in the tank because people don't have enough money to buy things," Cobra Commander said. "Simple: Give everyone who's not rich enough money to buy a car or house so we can support both the auto industry and housing industry. Then all the rich people buy all the other crap to support the stores that aren't owned by huge corporations. That should give a boost to the economy!"

"Well…" The Pirate blinked.

"I'm just saying the government can afford to send money for stupid studies like beaver mating season and promoting domestic imported caviar," Cobra Commander said. "Why can't they just cut those stupid programs out and just give the money to the people. Then they can take it back from them on tax day, after they've spent a portion of it! I mean have you seen some of the waste spending reports the government is sinking the public's money in? Like pennies! Nobody likes pennies! And yet the government keeps pumping them out even though they cost twice their value to make!"

"I like pennies," The Pirate frowned. "I collect them."

"Then if the mint stops making them your collection will be even more valuable won't it?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Oh, you have a point," The Pirate nodded.

"And then I heard about this institute that wanted around thirty two thousand something dollars to make robotic squirrels," Cobra Commander went on. "I am not making this up. Well I can save the taxpayers money. I tried robot squirrels in the 90's and let me tell you it is not a good idea as you think it would be."

"Really?" The Doctor asked.

"Yeah the damn things kept attacking the wrong people," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Complete waste of time."

"Actually I heard about that. It's supposed to have scientists track and study rattlesnake attacks," The King spoke up.

"Then why the hell don't they just use **real **squirrels?" Cobra Commander snapped. "It's not like there aren't a billion of them running around all over the place! Nobody is going to miss one or two!"

"Man has a point," The Doctor said. "Damn things are always making a mess at my birdfeeder."

"I don't know why I am **not** in charge of this country, by now," Cobra Commander sighed. "Oh right. I have morons on my payroll."

"You too?" The Doctor asked.

"Join the club," Henry the 8th nodded. "Ooh, look at that Cat Woman over there."

"Here kitty, kitty…" The Pirate smirked.

"FYI, the woman over there in the Cat Woman costume is really a man," Cobra Commander pointed to the Baroness who was currently chatting with a guest that was dressed as Batman. "Pass it on."

"Oh well yes I knew that," Henry The 8th coughed. "It's so obvious."

"I know. Who does he think he's fooling?" Cobra Commander asked. "But at least he's clean unlike the Man in the Iron Mask over there."

"What do you mean?" The King asked.

"Slept with my sister last week. Let's just say even on a ton of antibiotics, she still can't go to the bathroom without screaming like she's rehearsing for the shower scene in Psycho," Cobra Commander said. "Who's he talking to now?"

"That's my wife! Oh crap! That bitch will sleep with anything!" The Pirate gasped. "Tina! Tina!" He ran over to his wife and started to argue with her and Destro.

"Excuse me, I need to go mingle…" Henry The 8th walked away.

"Me too," The King agreed. The men moved off to spread the gossip to their friends.

"Well that was fun," Cobra Commander clapped his hands with glee. "Now let's see if I can spread some rumors about the Crimson Twins."

Speaking of which…

"What a dull gathering," Tomax remarked as he and his brother stood in a corner observing the guests. The twins had gotten some champagne and were drinking.

"I see Mindbender found the buffet table," Xamot said disdainfully. He pointed to where Mindbender was. He was cheerfully eating several appetizers and other dishes.

"Oh let him be," Tomax waved. "As long as he's stuffing his face he's not talking."

"True," Xamot said. He looked around. "It has been a long time since we have been to a party of this caliber eh brother?"

"Too long," Tomax nodded as he drank some champagne. "Do you remember the parties we threw at Extensive Enterprises during the 80's?"

"Oh yes," Xamot grinned. "So much more interesting back then. Remember the one where Bruce and Demi showed up with a few dozen of their friends?"

"Yes. They were such a lively bunch we didn't mind the extra people," Tomax nodded. "Wait now I remember…One of the people that crashed wasn't exactly a friend…"

"It was an extra from some movie Bruce was working on at the time," Xamot remembered. "Or was it Demi?"

"Didn't matter. She was so charming and so…flexible we both had to…" Tomax began.

"God! That was the party we met Deming!" Xamot remembered.

"Oh right," Tomax realized. "Apparently her acting career wasn't progressing fast enough for her. So that's why she was so responsive for joining us."

"That and the twenty five thousand dollar advance on her salary you gave her," Xamot snorted.

"I didn't give her that money," Tomax gave him a look. "I thought you did!"

"Me? No it was…" Xamot stopped. "Well, there's a little clue we overlooked."

"You know something brother?" Tomax sighed. "Despite everything, I still miss her."

"I know," Xamot admitted. "She was one of the few women who had no problems with our… particular tastes."

"If I recall correctly she shared quite a few of them," Tomax smirked. "Even when she had her mental breakdown she would always escape from the psych ward long enough for a conjugal visit."

"Do you remember the time she broke out and tracked us down to Switzerland?" Xamot asked. "Oh the fun we had in that hotel room and in that trapeze she installed."

"I know," Tomax smiled at the memory. "We were exhausted."

"So exhausted we had to let Deming deposit our funds…" Xamot began.

"Into our secret bank account," Tomax added. "Gave her the account number and…" He stopped in horror.

"Really should have seen the writing on the wall then," Xamot frowned.

"Yes," Tomax frowned as he took another sip. "Brother, look over there. In the Julius Caesar toga."

"Isn't that…?" Xamot realized.

"Steve Winthrop of Allied Enterprises Incorporated," Tomax nodded. "He was our biggest rival back then."

"The years have not been kind to him," Xamot scoffed. "He's bald and starting to get quite chubby."

"Unfortunately he still has his money," Tomax frowned. "And some of our old holdings."

"I remember when he deliberately named his company Allied Enterprises Incorporated so he would be ahead of Extensive Enterprises in the phone book," Xamot growled. "Such a petty little man."

"Let's go listen in," Tomax motioned. The brothers went over to a small group of people.

"And then I bought the whole building for little more than a pittance," Steve told the group of admirers. "I swear I paid more for my X Box than the entire Extensive Enterprise building! Actually now that I think about it, it's probably worth more."

The crowd laughed politely. "So what are you doing with the entire building Steven darling?" A woman in a Marilyn Monroe costume purred. "Are you going to renovate it?"

"Renovate it? That dump? I'm gutting it of anything valuable and I'm going to turn it into a parking lot for my new building I'm putting in next door," Steve grinned. "And to think we once thought Xamot and Tomax used to be some kind of wunderkinds. More like has beens."

"After all these years Steven you are still the king," Marilyn giggled.

"Yes well I was never stupid enough to fall in with a group of criminals and thugs," Steve chuckled. "Okay I did make that one deal with that congressman…"

The group made a polite laugh. "But seriously, I can't believe the business community ever thought those two losers were titans of industry. Of course I saw right through them from the beginning. Nothing but con artists and crooks trying to pull a fast one. But I got the last laugh. Hell I even slept with that cute blonde secretary they had. What was her name? Denise? Denna? Oh well it began with D…"

"And most likely ended with her stealing money from him too," Tomax whispered to his brother.

"I wonder whatever happened to Tomax and Xamot?" Someone spoke up.

"Who knows? Probably working as cabana boys in some third world toilet. Speaking of toilets…" Steve chuckled. "Gotta go drain the lizard!" He laughed and went off to the bathroom.

Xamot and Tomax stood there fuming. "Brother…" Xamot began.

"Yes?"

"Remember that fantasy we always had of beating the stuffing out of Steve?" Xamot gave his brother a look.

"You read my mind," Tomax smirked as the two of them followed Steve to the bathroom.

Meanwhile across the room…

"I'm just saying if even Wal-Mart is having trouble, that has to be a sign," Cobra Commander was talking to a forty year old brunette woman wearing a gypsy costume.

"So you're in the financial business?" The Gypsy asked.

"Let's just say I'm in a little bit of everything," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Finances, real estate…global politics…"

"Fascinating," The Gypsy said.

"Oh there you are!" A thin man wearing a chicken costume walked up to them. "Oh God Sybil can you at least wait until I'm passed out drunk before you start hitting on people?"

"We were only having a conversation Herb!" The Gypsy snapped. She turned to Cobra Commander. "My husband is the jealous type."

"No, I'm the sucker type," Herb said. "As in I was a real sucker to marry you!"

"Can we **not** do this now?" Sybil snarled at him.

"When do you want me to do it Sybil? When you're in bed with this guy?" Herb snapped.

"Uh…" Cobra Commander was sensing this was not going to end well.

"I'm not blaming you pal, it's all **her!"** Herb said. "Run! Run for your life while you still have some cash!"

"Wait until we get home Herb!" Sybil hissed.

"Oh so we can go home and **not **have sex! Oh joy!" Herb snapped. "Like every other night in paradise!"

"I'm just trying to get a deal going! He's in real estate!" Sybil snapped.

"Oh so you want to seduce him so you can sell him one of your crappy houses?" Herb asked. "Which one do you want to unload? The suicide home, the one that burned down or the one that's in the middle of the Atlantic ocean?"

"It was not a suicide home! He accidentally shot himself twenty times in the back yard! That is not technically a suicide home!" Sybil snapped. "You want to live off my money you'd better get with the program and help me make some!"

"Uh oh," Cobra Commander saw the warning signs. "I'm uh…married too. The uh, woman in the Cat Woman costume."

"Which one?" Herb looks around.

"Uh not the fat one," Cobra Commander said. "She uh…cheats on me too left and right so you have nothing to fear from me! Really!"

"I feel your pain," Herb said.

"You know I think I need to get a drink or something," Cobra Commander backed away.

"I see. What do you know about that one dressed as the Man in the Iron Mask?" Sybil pointed to Destro across the room. "How much does he make?"

"Oh that's my brother in law," Cobra Commander said. "Watch out, he's broke and a bit of a sponge."

"Oh," Sybil frowned.

"Although I must admit he is doing well since the new medication kicked in," Cobra Commander said. "It's amazing the advances they are making for venereal diseases these days."

"I see. Uh will you excuse us for a bit?" Sybil nodded. "Come on Herb." She and her husband moved away. "Thanks a lot for nothing!"

"That's my line!" Herb snapped.

"Dodged a bullet there," Cobra Commander let out a breath. "Let's try over here…"

"Oh darling I need some decent gossip or else I shall die! I shall simply die!" A woman dressed like Scarlett O'Hara but who did not have the figure for it wailed to a group of equally plump overdressed women.

"Here's a tasty dish to chew on," Cobra Commander inserted himself into the group. "The Man in the Iron Mask and the Cat Woman in Glasses? Pill poppers, swingers, embezzlers and Democrats! Discuss!" He walked away leaving the group to their imagination.

Then he walked over to a man in a Dracula costume drinking wine. "Hey buddy, heads up on the Cat Woman with glasses. Ex-wife looking for a fourth husband to sink her claws into. Unless you want to pay a ton of alimony I'd steer clear."

"Thanks for the tip," Dracula said. "I was going to go over there."

"Here's another," Cobra Commander said. "Don't go into the men's bathroom. You don't want to know what Mario and Luigi are doing in there!"

Cobra Commander abruptly left the man and went over to another group of people. "This is a public service announcement," He spoke to the group. "Watch out for the woman in the Cat Woman costume that has a European accent. I did some business with her and she wrote a few bad checks."

"Really?" A man dressed as a Mexican Wrestler grimaced.

"How tacky," A woman dressed as a ballerina snorted.

"I know. Although I see she can afford that male prostitute in the Man in the Iron Mask costume," Cobra Commander said. "Must be charging at cost."

"The people they let into society these days," An older woman in a Queen Victoria costume huffed.

"Well if I can't get laid tonight I don't see why anyone else should," Cobra Commander shrugged as he walked away.

Meanwhile…

"I can't believe this," Destro grumbled to himself as three women he approached as a group glared at him and walked away. "Why are they looking at me like that?"

"Ugh what a lousy party," The Baroness walked up to him.

"Any luck?" Destro asked.

"Unfortunately it is all bad. I can't **give** this away," The Baroness shook her head.

"Me neither," Destro looked around. "Is it just me or is everyone looking at us funny?"

"You don't think they suspect do you?" The Baroness whispered.

"I don't know. But something is weird," Destro frowned.

"Not half as weird as **that**!" The Baroness pointed.

Mindbender was dancing a tango with a rather plump woman in a blue feathered dress that was supposed to be a peacock costume complete with tail and feathered headdress. "Well it seems Mindbender found someone he can talk to," Destro said. "Who is she?"

"Probably some desperate middle aged wealthy hippo that obviously has very little standards," The Baroness snorted.

"Then again, Mindbender isn't exactly a prize himself," Destro shrugged. "And you must admit she is a step up from dating his own experiments."

"True," The Baroness shrugged. "All right I'm going to try that side of the room. You take the other side."

"Good idea. I mean if Mindbender of all people can get someone to dance with him we shouldn't have any trouble finding some partners," Destro nodded and they split up.

They didn't notice Cobra Commander walking with another woman in a Cleopatra costume with a high gold collar. "To this day I cannot use the hot tub in my own house because of what they did," Cobra Commander finished his lie with relish. "I'm having it fumigated as well as demolished."

"I can't believe your own brother would do that to you with a woman he met on Craigslist!" Cleopatra gasped.

"Not even the **worst** thing he's ever done," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Come my dear and I will regale you of the time he set fire to my house!"

As they went to the dance floor Xamot and Tomax emerged from the bathroom looking very pleased with themselves. "Well that was a nice reunion," Tomax grinned.

"Profitable too," Xamot grinned as he patted his secret wallet in the side. "I always warned Steve it is not a good idea to bring too much cash to these sort of gatherings."

"Or wear expensive watches," Tomax looked at his new watch with a grin.

"Isn't that Tobias Myers?" Xamot pointed.

"I believe it is," Tomax nodded. "He used to be that lawyer for American National Bank. Didn't they turn us down for a loan when we first started out?"

"I believe they did," Xamot nodded. "I wonder how much money he's carrying?"

"Let's find out," Tomax smirked. "I believe another trip to the bathroom is in order."

"I believe you are right brother," Xamot nodded. "It's my turn to get a new watch." The twins went off to hunt for their next victim.

It wasn't long before more people were dancing at the ball. Destro and the Baroness were standing by the sidelines. "This evening is **not** how I pictured it would go," Destro sniffed. "Everyone is avoiding us like we have the plague."

"Not all of us," The Baroness pointed to Cobra Commander dancing with Cleopatra.

"How did _Cobra Commander_ get someone to dance with?" Destro was stunned.

"Well it is a costume party," The Baroness sniffed. "He's probably _pretending_ to be a human being."

"Actually if you think about it, it's literally true in his case," Destro remarked.

"Oh yeah," The Baroness realized.

"You know the guy dancing with George in the Cobra Commander suit?" A man dressed as a wizard complete with a beard walked up to them.

"Who's George?" The Baroness asked.

"They guy in the Cleopatra costume," The wizard pointed. "He's my business partner."

"Really?" Destro did a double take. "Interesting."

"Yeah he really likes to dress up at these things and…" The wizard whispered something in Destro's ear. The Baroness listened in.

"Heh, heh, heh…" Destro smirked as the wizard walked away.

"So do we tell him now or…?" The Baroness whispered conspiratorially.

"Let's uh…see how far this goes shall we?" Destro grinned.

"This evening just livened up," The Baroness grinned.

A woman in a nurse's outfit walked by and gave the Baroness a sour look. "WHAT?" The Baroness snapped. The woman scurried away.

Meanwhile Cobra Commander was dancing with 'Cleopatra'. "Now this reminds me of the parties we had in my youth," Cobra Commander purred. Well as much as someone with a snake hiss in their voice could purr.

"Oh I how I hate my life…" Herb staggered by carrying a glass of something alcoholic.

"Including the drunken idiots that livened up the place," Cobra Commander said. "Hey Herb. How's it going?"

"Lousy! Oh yeah it's you," Herb hiccupped. "My wife is off with some guy saying he's a business partner. Business partner! Yeah right! If the business is in the bedroom!"

"If I were you Herb, I wouldn't take it," Cobra Commander said. "Stand up for yourself! Fight!"

"You're right!" Herb finished his drink and stormed off.

"Well I believe I just livened up the evening," Cobra Commander grinned at his dance partner. "Now my lovely lady shall we go check out one the upstairs bedrooms or would you prefer a nice quiet closet?"

"Funny you should phase it like that," Cleopatra laughed nervously. "There's something I need to tell you." She leaned forward and whispered in his ear.

Cobra Commander stopped dancing. "Wait, pre-op or post-op?" Cobra Commander asked.

"No op. Just like to wear a dress," Cleopatra admitted.

"Goodbye!" Cobra Commander could not walk away fast enough. He walked right up to Destro and the Baroness. "All right let's find Mindbender and the Twins and blow this joint!"

"I thought we were going to stay and rob…?" The Baroness began.

"The plan has changed," Cobra Commander snapped. "Just grab what food and drinks you can and get out of here!"

"Wow, you must really be embarrassed to pass on stealing from an obvious mark," Destro smirked.

"Just shut up and look for the Stupid Squad!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Where is Mindbender anyway?" The Baroness asked.

"God only knows," Destro looked around. "Last I saw him he was dancing the tango with some woman."

"Are you sure it **was** a woman?" Cobra Commander asked bitterly.

"Knowing Mindbender I don't think it would matter that much either way," The Baroness snorted.

"Is this a great party or what?" Mindbender walked up to them with a large grin.

"I'll take the latter," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Change of plan Mindbender. We're getting out of here before our host realizes we're not on the guest list."

"Oh don't worry about Ida," Mindbender smirked. "She's rather…exhausted."

"Ida?" Cobra Commander blinked.

"As in…**Ida?** The woman who….?" The Baroness blinked.

"Yes," Mindbender grinned.

And how did she **get** exhausted?" Cobra Commander asked.

The implications hit them all immediately. "You mean you…?" Destro's jaw dropped. "And **her?** And…?"

"In the laundry room," Mindbender grinned. "Twice!"

"EWWWWW!" The Baroness grimaced.

"Hey don't knock her! She's like a jeep. May not be the thinnest or most stylish vehicle on the lot but she can go for miles!" Mindbender laughed as he crudely moved his pelvis back and forth. "Oh yeah!"

"Oh God," Destro winced.

"You are the most disgusting human being on the planet!" The Baroness snapped.

"What about Cobra Commander?" Mindbender pointed.

"Technically he's not human, so…" Destro shrugged.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Cobra Commander glared at them. "Like I **want** to be part of the same species as you lot? No thank you!"

"The feeling is **mutual,**" Destro gave him a look.

A large commotion could be heard. "What's going on?" The Baroness asked.

"It appears a man in a chicken suit is fighting another man in a Han Solo outfit," Destro blinked. "And now a woman dressed as a gypsy is hitting both of them with her purse."

"Oh yeah, I may have had something to do with that," Cobra Commander coughed. "Let's move on shall we?"

"Well before we go I need to use the facilities," Destro indicated the men's room.

"Good idea, it is a long trip," Mindbender agreed.

"Ugh…" Destro went inside. Then he was heard shouting. "XAMOT! TOMAX WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU FOOLS!"

"Oh this I got to see," Cobra Commander said. They all ran inside the bathroom.

"Oh this is weird," The Baroness looked around.

"Like you've never been in a men's bathroom before," Cobra Commander rolled his eyes.

"Well not one with a lot of bodies all over the floor," The Baroness pointed.

True enough there were several men lying in various positions on the floor, some in stalls and one head first in a urinal. "They're not dead," Tomax corrected her.

"Merely unconscious," Xamot pointed out. "Sorry Destro."

"We thought you were another target," Tomax said. "Our bad."

"Why are all these men unconscious in the bathroom?" Destro asked.

"Funny story," Xamot shrugged.

"You know how it goes," Tomax admitted. "First we ran into an old competitor."

"Then another competitor," Xamot added. "And another."

"Then two guys walk in while we're giving a swirly to the last guy," Tomax added.

"So we had to knock them out too," Xamot said. "And figured why not rob them as well?"

"We robbed all the other guys blind," Tomax said. "And then another guy with a very nice Cartier watch stumbles in drunk while we're robbing the last two…"

"So you knocked him out as well," Destro remarked.

"No, that one passed out on his own," Xamot said pointing to the figure at the urinal. "We still robbed him anyway."

"Long story short…" Tomax shrugged. "We just figured it was easier if we stayed in the bathroom and waited to see who showed up."

"Stacked the bodies in the stalls and…" Xamot motioned. "We made sure not to kill anyone. They're not dead."

"But when the morning comes they wish they were," Tomax grinned.

"Quite a little business you got running here," Cobra Commander looked at the men everywhere.

"We're running out of places to put them," Tomax looked around.

"Hey you missed a watch on that guy!" Mindbender pointed.

"No we didn't," Xamot shook his head.

"That one is a cheap knock off," Tomax said.

"Still works," Mindbender bent over the unconscious man and picked up the arm with the watch on it. "Still keeps good time and looks nice. Mind if I take it?"

"Knock yourself out," Tomax waved.

"Don't give the man ideas Brother," Xamot rolled his eyes as Mindbender took the watch.

"I think it would be wise for us to depart this domicile and regroup our efforts to fight another day," Destro said as he opened the door and looked outside.

"If that means scram and wait for stealing from this dump another day I am all for it," Cobra Commander scoffed. "Just curious though…Why are you so eager to leave now?"

"Two things," Destro said. "One your friend has caused a rather larger riot outside."

"And the other?" Cobra Commander asked.

FOOOOOOOOM!

"The main foyer appears to be on **fire,"** Destro said. "Purple fire!"

"So **that's** where I dropped that exploding liquid nitrogen," Mindbender snapped his fingers.

"Shall we run screaming for our lives?" Tomax asked.

"Yes, let's," Destro groaned as the group ran out of the men's room.

"Well it wouldn't be a party unless someone from Cobra set **something** on fire!" Cobra Commander shouted as he ran.

Twenty five minutes later…

"Well that plan was a complete and total failure," Destro snapped as he piloted the Cobra Ship.

"Not really," Xamot sniffed. "We did manage to steal some cash for future endeavors."

"And Cobra Commander made some lovely new friends," The Baroness grinned.

"Shut up Baroness," Cobra Commander snapped. "How much cash did you get from those overstuffed shirts?"

"About twelve thousand," Tomax said.

"Give or take a few hundred we may have dropped while running," Xamot shrugged.

"You mean hoard for yourselves!" The Baroness snapped.

"Finder's Fee!" Xamot snapped back.

"Since we are the only ones who found anything of value!" Tomax added.

"Well I had a good night," Mindbender said cheerfully. "I had some good food. I got a new watch. I danced. And I got laid! Twice!"

"Goody for you," Destro said sarcastically.

"Can you believe it? I had sex with a woman that I didn't make myself for two years in a row!" Mindbender went on. "Two years! With real women! I have not had this much luck since I went to Dentist College!"

"It's a sick cruel world in which Mindbender gets to have sex and we don't," The Baroness groaned.

"Clearly the people attending suffered some sort of **mental illness,"** Destro sniffed.

"That's the last time I take you lot to a party," Cobra Commander grumbled.


End file.
